Dr. Cohen says “Fight Fair” -- Dr. Phil Claims Fighting Style Predicts Divorce
There are a number of ways in which adults conduct their arguments: based on logic, based on emotion, etc.
One of the three most efficient shortcuts for determining in advance whether a couple will marry or divorce is to watch how they argue. The accuracy of this predictor is phenomenal. There are those who fight intelligently, and those who fight, frankly, with an almost identical state of mind as a child age four or less. Don’t underestimate this comparison: that’s because adults who argue this way are, in the flow of chemicals and emotions within their bloodstream, regressing into the state of mind of a child under the age of four.
Even Phillip C. Mcgraw, a “stunt psychologist” occasionally gets something right. He claimed in a Good Morning America interview that he can tell with 90 percent accuracy whether a married couple is going to divorce within five years based on how they end a fight. "It's not whether you fight or not, but how you fight," McGraw said on. "The No. 1 question I would ask is how do they end their fight?"
When there is genuine resolution to the argument, it is easier to move on with life, and accomplish more new things each day. Until and unless outstanding issues are dealt with and tucked away, there is little or no room left for new issues, because the older ones are crowding the stage. When the argument is finished, CLOSE IT.
Real and Relevant – WHEN YOU ARE ARGUING, STICK TO THE SUBJECT
"Isn't it true that when you're fighting about everything, you are fighting about nothing?" The woman agreed. So did the husband.
Keep it real and keep it relevant. Fighting can be a great tension release, and good for a relationship, if done properly. That means sticking to the present and not bringing up old grudges. "Fight about those things that really count; that are personally important to you. Do not major in minors.
Often one partner will disguise what the issue really is. If a root, deep-down subject is something that we tend to be overly sensitive to or self-conscious about, it’s so easy to lay down smoke, arguing about something that has no connection with what’s bothering you. A wife who’s hurt or upset about not getting enough attention or affection is likely to create an argument about money or the children or something that does not address that spouse’s personal grievance or fear. If a husband or wife, a girlfriend or boyfriend is feeling rejected, they are less likely to say so than they are to bring in an unrelated issue, using that issue as a vent, and internally, childishly hoping that the other spouse will figure out what is really wrong. Beyond illogical, this constructs a whopping obstacle so like a huge boulder in the road, so identify what is bothering you, and bring it out.
Getting Nasty – When you raise an issue by verbally (or otherwise) attacking your spouse, you begin with a guarantee that they will NOT be cooperative in giving you what you want. STOP NOW and consider that.
When you begin the conversation attacking your spouse,
you guarantee they will NOT be cooperative in giving you what you want
When something unpleasant comes out of our mouth, we are virtually assured of receiving a response that is just as biting… correction, a response that goes a little bit further in the “I’ll hurt you back” department. One of the constant factors that all of us can observe in relationships filled with arguments is the fact that, each time there is an argument, each party tries to go a little bit further in the insult and verbal slap, illogically hoping that the other person will be so stung by the barb or verbal slap that they instantly give in. In all of human history, we’ve never seen an example of this working. That is why it is both illogical, and as mentioned above, childlike in its anti-thinking mindset. Reduce the insults; they make the speaker sound shrewish, and reduce the likelihood of the “attacked” person responding in kind.
Couples shouldn't fight in front of the children. Experts have conclusively proved that, more than anything else you ever do, the way that couples treat each other in front of their babies and young children will determine whether the child grows up well-adjusted or filled with anger and self-esteem issues.
REPETITION. Too many people get stuck like a broken record repeating an argument endlessly. They rarely win, and when they do, it comes with emotional damage that can be expected to remain internally felt forever.
In order for the argument to be usefully effective, it certainly has to end without one person doing a character assassination on the other. When you say something nasty, it stays in memory, just as the child irrevocably learns from the examples of the parent. Regardless of your opinion on the subject, or any of our opinions, children rarely do as they are told, rather, they do precisely what they are shown.
When we stop saying “ME” all the time, and learn to say “We” a bit more often, the results are fast, & effective.
1) IDENTIFY WHAT IS ACTUALLY BOTHERING YOU. STATE EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG.
2) finding fault with your spouse will never ever resolve the argument to your satisfaction
3) IF YOUR COMPLAINT IS LEGITIMATE – OK, STOP COMPLAINING
AND SUGGEST A SOLUTION
4) EVERY TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING MEAN OR NASTY, YOUR PARTNER
WILL DO THE SAME.
5) Focus on what is wrong, or focus on fixing it. Failure to do so illuminates unhealthy self-involvement.
This next 24 hours will contain one thousand, four hundred and forty separate opportunities for you to leave things as they are or for you to demonstrate a better brain by producing better, balanced, reasonable answers.
1,440 separate opportunities. Some people think of them as “just minutes.”
Others believe they are 1,440 separate opportunities.
Which group do YOU think comes out ahead at the end of the game?